Dating someone avoidant personality disorder
The anxious types find that their perception of wanting more intimacy than their partner can provide is confirmed, as is their anticipation of ultimately being let down by significant others.
Each style is drawn to reenact a familiar script over and over again.”Meanwhile, “Secures don’t activate the attachment system of anxious women, which feels like “no sparks.” They associate a calm attachment system with boredom and indifference.”I’m really struck by this, as it explains a great deal.
The avoidants’ defensive self-perception that they are strong and independent is confirmed, as is the belief that others want to pull them into more closeness than they are comfortable with.
Avoidants need their partners to be needy and incapable so that they can feels independent and powerful.”“Quite soon into the relationship you start to get mixed signals. He is interested in you, but lets you know that he is still playing the field. Every time you get mixed messages, your attachment system is activated and you become preoccupied with the relationship. Then he pulls back and you live in suspense, waiting for the next positive reinforcement.
Once you are receptive to their basic needs for warmth and security, their sensitivity can become an asset; they’ll be very much in tune with your wants and will be helpful and dedicated.
What’s more they will also gradually learn how to communicate their fears and emotional better and you will need to second-guess them less and less.”Bottom line: 70% of the population has relationship potential, and attachment style is the most crucial compatibility factor.
Heller and Levine helpfully specify behaviors that signal the Avoidant attachment style:“Falling in love requires putting your soul in your partner’s hand for safekeeping.You are equating an activated attachment system with passion…You become programmed to get attracted to those very individuals who are least likely to make you happy.”It strikes me that a lot of the dating advice available online is offered by anxious women and avoidant men.People who purport to be good at attracting the opposite sex, but who are usually single themselves.This is perhaps the best reason of all to date with seriousness of purpose in your 20s.Does this theory explain some of your past dating experiences?
Levine and Heller also warn about most dating advice:“Common dating advice is usually to play hard to get – this attracts avoidants because you ignore your needs and let the other person determine the amounts of closeness or distance in the relationship.